we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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