The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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