When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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