If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
