I cannot find my penis.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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