Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
