Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
