someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
