So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
