He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
