Define "chronic" masturbator.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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