Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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