and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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