apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
