New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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