Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
