if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
only you would photoshop your dick
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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