the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
