Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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