I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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