He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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