Someone shit on the floor
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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