someone get that fucking seahorse.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
