The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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