See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
