need another drink. this is the easiest way
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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