Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Randomize
