Just fell off a train. Bad.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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