Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
