I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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