i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
