Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
