I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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