You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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