New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
