you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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