He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
