lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We got so high we made milksteak
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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