The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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