Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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