Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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