just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
