just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
