Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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