Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
