so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
