She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
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