It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
