Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
