these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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