there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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