I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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