guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
