i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
