Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
