Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
