He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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