Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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