i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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