i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
wow bdsm is so cute
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
