My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
