alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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